Alone

I am not really good at being by on my own. I tend to tire of my own company. I tire of talking to myself. When I am alone I worry. I find it's the time when I am most aware of all my faults and shortcomings. I don’t give myself much of a break. My self confidence dwindles when I am left to my own devices.

It’s never really occurred to me that I need people. In the opinion of Barbara Streisand I guess I am one of the luckiest people in the world. But, I figure I should also be happy to be with my own company.

Maybe it’s that I don’t have much practice. Given the choice I will choose being around people. I get energy from engaging with others. I already know what I think, I want to hear someone else’s ideas and thoughts.

Oddly I am quite independent. I can take care of myself pretty well. I am not afraid to make an unpopular decision, and I don’t compromise myself just to be liked.

There seems to be something paradoxical in our design as humans. We have all the faculties to be self sufficient, but there is also this ‘need’ to be in relationship. Some are really good at the alone part and struggle in the connection with others, while there are others, like me, who are the opposite.

Like so many things, I assume this stuff should come naturally – just be part of who I am. But, no, I realize that it takes practice to be alone well. I am resolved to become better at it.

I have this sense that if I choose to become intentional with time on my own, if I work at it, then I will push through all the anxiety and insecurity. The silence may not be so deafening. And in fact, I may just stop talking to myself and begin to really listen.